Transitioning to our New Life

It's March, and a little over three weeks ago, my life changed forever...again. There have been many events in my life-in any person's life- which make us pause and consider the absolute, life-altering, forever  change that has occurred. 

For me, these events have involved "adding people" to my life. I have to say, the first life- altering event was marriage 9 years ago. Although wonderful and rewarding and definitely something I wanted and chose to do, suddenly my life was no longer my own. Not only did my name change, but my identity as well. I was now a wife. It added responsibility to my life, and required me to consider someone else other than just myself.  

The second event that changed my life-our life- forever was having our first child Evelyn Grace. Again, although she added so much joy and purpose to our lives, our plans and agendas diminished. 

I suddenly became a mom.  

And now, obviously the birth of our triplet sons is the next life-altering event which brings up all these same feelings again, of trying to figure out a new normal while grieving and processing the change from our former life.  

Someone asked me the other day what was the hardest part about having our triplets so far, and I quickly answered, "the loss of freedom." Yes, having one baby made me feel the same way, but soon I got a routine and rhythm down that allowed me to strap her easily into the car, and she and I were always out and about. No, I couldn't have coffee dates or lunches with friends as I did before...pedicures and hair appointments had to wait until I could find someone to watch her, but I could stroll her around Target and walk around the neighborhood.  I do admit that I remember using the word "trapped" to describe how I felt having a newborn.  

Now, with three newborns the feeling is even more so. 

 The only logical thing to do right now is stay cozy in my house...day after day after day right now...

 I'm not sure where the month of February went. Each day mixed into the next and suddenly we have three week old boys. 

Some moments I start to panic: Will I ever leave the house again?! 

This is my new life. It's more complicated, more work and way more sacrificial  than I ever imagined.

However, I have learned that adding people to my life also adds an abundant amount of joy too. There have been moments when John and I have admitted to each other that we miss our family of three. But I reminded John that when Evie was born, we said we missed our family of two. With any significant change, there is a period of transition, of trying to figure out a new normal. We are definitely in that transition period. 

I know what I'm going through right now is a slow process of transformation. My former self is being chiseled away slowly as I realize and try to make sense that my life is no longer my own, again. I mourn the loss of that. I do. 

I have  hope though, a hope that someday my life will somehow have order again and that it will feel normal to be this way. I know it will take time. I know that I must focus on one day at a time. 

John and I sometimes talk about the things we will do 20 years from now. We dream about the places we will go again and the freedom we will enjoy once again. Somehow though, I have this deep feeling that 20 years from now we will be sitting quietly at our kitchen table and say, "I miss our family of six." We will be "suddenly two" and perhaps our new found freedom will actually seem like a loss.

 So I'm doing everything I can to embrace this period of transition, to hold on to these moments even when they are tough. I pray that I am able to see beyond this, to view this period as a rapidly evolving season. 

I pray for patience, for peace and joy. I pray that friends will be able to see my divided time and not forget about me. I pray for sanity among moments of chaos, and a marriage that stays strong even when things are less than romantic.

 I pray for many things, but my most frequent prayer is that I never lose sight of what a blessing these three boys are and what a gift has been granted to John and me to raise them.