A Good Sigh

In a family, there are so many relationships to attend to and nurture.
 Sometimes it can feel like a full time job.
Between the sky scrapers of laundry and the never-ending pile of broken toys that need batteries or repairs, life has a way of filling up every spare moment, which leaves very little time for the things that matter, the people.

Welcome 2020. What a party.

Having lunch with a girlfriend the other day, she asked me how I was doing.  To my own surprise, I answered her with a big (happy) sigh. I was taken back by my response because since the start of school, my replies to this question have always been an exaggerated (but honest) "Amazing!"
When I took a moment to reflect on my sigh, I realized that it was due to the desire and pressures to maintain so many very important relationships in my life.
And, I'm striving to do better than simply maintain them; I'm trying to thrive in them.


As my kids are getting older, my role has taken on more than just caretaker to them. I now want to have a relationship with them. It takes a lot of intention and work because I don't just want to be with them, I want to know them, understand them and encourage them. And that takes time.

James on our rare one-on-one date at Burgerville

Sitting in line at the DEQ the other day, I quickly dialed the number to our children's doctor to make my kids a long over due "well child" visit.  While on the phone with the receptionist, I am interrupted by a call from the school nurse telling me that Levi is in the office complaining of a "hurt jaw and bottom teeth pain."
"He told me is ran into a soccer pole 10 days ago," the nurse said.
This is news to me. When she asked me what I wanted to do, I told her to send him back to class and I'd investigate it later.
Clicking back to the receptionist at the doctor's office, she informed me that she finally found a time slot that would work for all four kids to be seen at the same time.
"We usually don't do this large of an appointment," she explained. "But your situation is unique, so the doctor gave permission."
Unique.
 If that is my case, I took some solace in that and diagnosed my sigh.

A lot of my days are filled with tasks and errands that are related to my family. There are always new shoes to buy, or pants or coats; there is hair to untangle and nails to clip. My life is filled with so much maintenance that I have to create space for growing relationships. And for someone who needs my own space, without anyone, to recharge and not talk, it can leave me with only a sigh.
 It's a good sigh, but a sigh.

I've grown sympathetic to the fact that the boys share a room and there is constant noise and activity in their space. I often wonder if in fact they desire a quiet retreat, a dwelling apart from all the chaos and activity and discussion.
We've recently refinished the guest space in the basement, so the extra room upstairs is now open. I've offered the boys the space, in case one of them feels like they need a break from sharing a room with two others.
They haven't taken me up on it. They don't know an existence apart from sharing a room with two other brothers.
 However, recently one of the boys will wake up grumpy the next morning, claiming that one of the brothers "kept them up all night." Usually it's the jokester, Caleb. He thinks it's hilarious to wake up next to one of his brothers, occupying their twin bed together.
Levi and James think it's completely obnoxious and annoying, and despite telling him to stop, Caleb still manages to end up in one of their beds in the morning, so amused by his scheme.

Finally on day, Levi and James had had enough. I found them one Saturday morning hauling boxes of their toys and clothes out of their room, down the hall to the open guest room.
Apparently, they decided that they were going to move out of their shared bedroom, leaving Caleb to it alone. The two of them where setting up their new room down the hall.
That night the two of them shared the queen bed happily, while Caleb had the entire room to himself. He was a little apprehensive about sleeping alone, but I comforted him saying that now he could jump to whatever bed he wanted during the night without anyone getting mad.
He remained in his bed the whole night.

I wondered how long this sleeping arrangement would last.

Levi and James slept fine together in the queen bed. However, by mid morning, I heard arguing upstairs. Upon investigation, I witnessed James grumbling and scowling as he hauled boxes of trains and clothes out of the guest room back into the other room with Caleb.
 Levi came after him with, "Here, you forgot these too!"
Now Levi had the whole guest room to himself.

By nightfall, Levi realized that he was scared to sleep in a room by himself, so he moved his blankets back into the room with Caleb and James.

Learning to navigate relationships is so important; but, having an open, undesignated
 room is probably a good idea in a family of six. ;)

Wild Wild West

Do you see them?!!
All of them.
....Those big red faces,
                   those large noses,
                      deep set eyes, 
        stoic lips and chins. 
They are serious, all these faces,
ages of minding their own business,
silently
watching the world below.

There is power in these red rocks. 
John and I feel it as we stand above, perched on top of Cathedral Rock, over looking the Sedona canyons.

It is obvious why this place exudes a sacredness and a Presence.

It is the finger print of a Creative God who delights in us, crafting towering slabs of granite; we can't help but  gasp in awe.

The vastness of it all makes me feel as if I am a foreigner in an unknown land. I am struck by the beauty and fragility of life.

 It is here we celebrate the successes of this past year. John was awarded Top Performer last year at work, and thus, we were awarded this amazing trip to Arizona.
It was a time for just the two of us, (thanks to the unwavering love of grandparents at home!)
It was a five day retreat into the red rocks of Sedona, under the most striking blue sky I have ever witnessed.

The temperature was chilly and one morning we awoke to the rocks dusted with snow; it was exhilarating to be alive in such radiant surroundings, to be so free.

We spent our time away playing, exploring, relaxing and reflecting.
Some times there was conversation; other times there was simply companionship. 

This is part of our collection of shared experiences over the years, over the almost fifteen years of marriage together.

We hiked every day.
As we set out to climb, the towering rocks above me seemed impossible to maneuver.
When I gazed up at our goal destination high above me, fear began to seep in.
The rocks were so high, so out of reach, and the journey seemed treacherous as I analyzed the route.

Once we began, I focused on only the trail right before me, on the next step, the next ledge in which to put my foot.
I concentrated on the cracks and crevices in which to pull myself up and over.
And as we ascended the rocks, I was amazed every time I looked up.
We were indeed climbing,
 rising,
going somewhere.
Together, the two of us; we were conquering this intimidating red giant.

And as we pulled ourselves up over the final ledge, we marveled at what was before us. What we saw was more magnificent than we could have imagined at the beginning of our climb.

We had faith that it would be worth it, but oh, we had no idea! 

And in that moment on top of the mountain, I was suddenly struck with such clarity and insight into my life.
Perhaps it was a whispered word from God upon that sacred overlook. In my heart I felt that suddenly I understood what was expected of me in my life.

  As we climbed, I realized that the only thing we had to concentrate on was the moment right before us, being faithful to navigate the cracks and crevices we could see and do the best to pull ourselves  onward, to live with a vision cast Upward.

And suddenly the Giants we thought we had to conquer were gone; the fear of having to figure this whole thing out-this thing called Life- in an instant was vanquished.
And in its place was peace. 

As we celebrated our victory at the top, John realized that ahead there was more.
The trail said "end," but beyond it was hints that this wasn't it.
So we continued, we explored, we cautiously traversed the opposite end of the canyon.

Fueled by our success and unexpected encounter with such bounty, we were zealous for more.
Our curiosity and efforts paid off because there was indeed more, so much more.

Perhaps life is lived in the crevices and the cracks; 

it is the faithful plodding along, one step and then another. 

And before long we look before us, and we marvel at how we got here. 

And we gasp at the beauty of it all.